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Dick Figures: The Movie/Transcript
This is the full transcript for Dick Figures: The Movie. 'Chapter 1' (the film starts off zooming up in outer space) Disembodied voice: This is a story about Stick Figures. Who live in a world full of monsters & explosions &....... Raccoons & a lot of other cool stuff too. And it all takes place on a little planet we like to call... (shows Saturn) Earth. (Pans right to Earth) There it is. (A red asteroid-like object descends toward it.) (Camera moves from the sky to an elementary school.) (Then a bus appears, with Mr. Dingleberry being the driver.) (The characters of the series come out of the bus, one by one as kids.) Jason (Trollz0r): First! (The Auto-Tuned Bee flies out along with him.) Lord Tourettes: Who the FUCK cares! (giggles) Raccoon: I can't wait for runch! ("Lunch" in his accent) Stacy: (walks out swaying side to side as she walks with Pink following her) Oh my Gawd, you think there are gonna be boys at this school or what? Pink: Eww. Boys have cooties! (Blue stops at the bus door looking nervous and lonely. The rest of the group heads for school just as Pink looks back at Blue and smiles.) Mr. Dingleberry: Adios, assholes! I'm late for a rave! (He then takes out his pill container and swallows 2 pills. He then speeds off, almost driving off with Blue.) ''Yeah! ''(Blue shrugs and heads to school.) Mr. Dingleberry: (off-screen) ''Oh no! Not the explosion factory! ''(There is a firey explosion behind Blue as he walks unphased by what happened, but then he falls head first in a mud puddle. Pink giggles and walks off as Blue recovers from the fall.) Broseph: (standing by the school sign mocking Blue) Ah ha ha ha. Where'd you learn to walk? Cripple school? (claps his hand) Nice! (walks off) (Blue starts walking among the kids.) Raccoon: If you're happy and you know it, crap your hands. (He and a girl clap. The girl then pets him.) (As Blue is walking, there is a sign saying: Play Nice At Recess!) Stacy: (downing a pixie stick next to Pink.) Hey bitch, want a pixie stick? Pink: My mom says those turn you into a whore. Stacy: Probably!! (She continues eating her pixie stick.) Lord Tourettes: ''(runs up to Blue) Oh hello Blue! '''Blue: '''Hey Lord Tourettes. '''Lord Tourettes': Ahaa! First day of class? Blue: (timidly) Yeah... (They past the Fat Ugly Girl, who is jumping rope & is actually skinny.) '' ' Lord Tourettes': SPLENDID!! Mine as well! Say, there's a young '''JERKFACE' looking for you! (Blue expression changes, kind of scared) Says he wants to beat your BUTT until you die. Ha! Ta-ta. (giggles off leaving Blue, worried) Blue:'' (heads to the playground to sit on the see saw)'' Whee... (sighs) Broseph: (leans on the see saw near Blue) Sup, brah. You new here or what? Blue: (Looks uneasy) Uh, yeah... 1st day! Broseph: (walks up the see saw to the other side to lift Blue up in the air) Must be, 'cause otherwise YOU'd know that the see saw is for 5th graders. Blue: (starts panicking) Sorry. I didn't know. (other kids crowd around Blue from the ground) Broseph: Yeah? Price for playing on the 5th-grade playground, is your milk money. (The other kids pull Blue down & hold him to the see saw as he struggles free, lifting Broseph into the air as lightning strikes in the background.) Blue: But, I'm lactose-intolerant! Broseph: Really? Well, lets see if you're fist-tose intolerant! (The kids start to beat up Blue & he starts to cry.) Broseph: What's the matter, blue kid? Blue: My mom says that I drink too much water & that's how come I cry so much...and pee! (shows a yellow puddle under Blue) Broseph: Gross! (they continue to beat Blue.) Broseph: (as a few other kids, including Stacy & Pink, start to notice what is going on.) You know that I got held back five years? But my muscles didn't. Uhh! (Flexes. The Kids continue to beat Blue.) ''♪Old McDonald had a farm, now you're gonna ''die, nerd! Blue: Noooo!! (the bullies punches his face even more) Broseph: (while staring down'' at Blue's agony when suddenly a red bang comes from the sky. Broseph begins to notice it.) Huh? ''(A red light begins to brighten up the sky.) Kids: Whoa. What is that? (Pink shields her eyes a little) Lord Tourettes: Look! It's an ASS''-'teroid!! '''Broseph': No. No! Nooo... (starts to panic as it speeds right toward him & blows him up. As the fumes of the asteroid settles, Blue recovers 1st & walk over to the crater. Amusingly, it shows the skull of Broseph with his hair as a part of his skull. A red foot stomps it to pieces & then show the person to be Red as a kid with his hat facing the front.) Red: Sup. Blue: (sees Red in amazement & suprise) ''Huuuhh?! '''Stacy': Oh my God! Who's that? Forest green bully: It's a new kid! Get him! (The bullies start to charge in as Red flips his hat to the back & the fight begins. Red 1st jumps into the air & points at the kids, angrily, as lighting is being struck behid him.) (He goes back down & beats up 6 kids, inside the crater. He then jumps to the other side, shown in slow motion, and kicks 2 more kids. He beats up 5 more of them & he then grabs 1, jumps into the air & throws the kid to the ground, creating an ''explosion & defeating all the kids inside the crater.) '' (Red then runs towards a kid & jump kicks him into a circular climbing frame. Red goes to the top of it, punches 7 kids that were trying to get to him & then, he jumps & punches the climbing frame, making it fall & crash, as some kids also fall with it.) '' ''(Red then runs to a teether ball attached to a pole. He punches the ball, making fall all the kids that were around him & starts beating up 5 kids with it. He then hangs a kid to the rope & Red proceeds to get inside the slide.) '' ''(5 kids gets inside it by going to the top, but Red knocks them out 1 by 1 inside it & beats up more of them when he gets out. As he gets to a small playground bridge, 6 kids with baseball bats start surrounding him & makes him unable to escape.) '' ''(Red beats them using their own bats (1 kid does the Wilhem scream when he gets knock out the bridge) & then jumps high to throw the baseball bat at the bridge, breaking it in 2. When Red gets down, the kids gang piles up on him, seeying a close up on his face, as he is being punched by the kids & unable to move. Red finally decides to use all his strength to throw every kid by standing up, ending the fight.) (Some kids landed a few yards away, 1 landed in a tree) Stacy: Oh my God! You're sooo sexy! (Pink then pulls her away.) Red: I know. Blue: Dude, you saved my life!! Red: I know! Blue: What's your name? Red: I know! Uh, I mean, I'm Red. Blue: My name is Blue. No matter what happens, I promise, I will always be your friend! Red: I know. 'Cuz I'm Awesome!(As Red & Blue high-5, the screen turns white & shows Blue opening his lunch box but finds it empty, he looks over at Red eating his sandwhich while staring at girls. It then shows Red picking players for dodgeball & points to Blue but is actually pointing to a Blue look-alike with black sunglasses. Then it shows Red & Blue in class. Red looks over at Blue's work & writes it down as Blue looks at Red, angry. Lord Tourettes raises his hand at the teacher & then swears by accident. The teacher orders Lord Tourettes to sit outside & she gives Red & Blue test sheets showing their grades. They both get an F & Red slaps Blue.) (It then shows Red & Blue starting middle school. (Broseph can be seen impressing Pink) It then cuts to a middle school dance with Blue feeling alone while Red and others (including the Blue look-alike with Pink) dancing with each other. It then cuts to Red & Blue holding sheets with test grades. Blue gets an A while Red gets an F & slaps Blue again.) (It then cuts to Blue showing his braces while Red shows off his golden teeth. A pair of sunglasses flies onto Red's eyes while Blue has braces on his legs. It cuts to Red & Blue in high school about to high 5 but Red ends up following 3 girls. It cuts to Red, Blue, Pink, Lord Tourettes & Broseph starting college while Stacy heads to Med School. It cuts to Red dancing with girls while Blue studies his tests. It cuts to Red & Blue in class while Red is asleep, Red & Blue recieve their grades & Red slaps Blue in his sleep. It then shows the characters wearing college hats holding their grades & throwing their hats in the air (including Red & Lord Tourettes' hats). 'Chapter 2' (shows a 2D Platforming game on TV with a Gelato Bete type character) Gelato Bete: 'Gelato! ''(Gelato jumps off a cliff) 'Gelato Bete: '''Mama mia! ''(shows a huge mess & zooms to show Red drinking his can & burping. He laughs & wipes his mouth with a T-Shirt. It cuts to Blue's desk in Blue's room as the camera zooms to the left) '''Pink: ''(off-screen) Come on Blue, please? '''Blue: '(off-screen) ''I'm not gonna tell you. '''Pink: '(off-screen) ''Please, please, please? '''Blue: '(off-screen) ''No way! I got you the greatest birthday present of all time. I'm not gonna spoil the surprise. ''(shows Blue & Pink lying on Blue's bed) Pink: ''(laughs) You're such a jerk! ''(punches Blue's arm) '''Blue: '''Ah! Oh my god! Oww. '''Pink:'' 'Wow. You're a jerk ''& ''a wuss. '''Blue: '''No?! ''(groans in pain) 'Pink: '''Alright you pussy. I gotta go to work. ''(gets off Blue's bed) (cuts back to Red playing his game) '''Pink: ''(off-screen) See you later, Blue! I'll call you tonight. '''Blue: '(off-screen) ''Okay smoochie poo-poo pie. '''Pink: '(walks in from the left) ''I can't wait to see what you get me for my birthday. '''Red: '''Hey, toots! '''Pink: '''Go to hell, Red. ''(walks away) '' '''Red: '''Okay, see you there! ''(the Gelato on the game falls of the cliff again & appears again) Gelato Bene: '''Gelato! '''Blue: ''(walks in) Dude, this place is a dump! '''Red: '''You know where there is a dump? Your bed. ''(laughs) Blue: 'God damn it dude, not again. Use the toilet! ''(Blue grabs a sheet from his door when suddenly Mr. Dingleberry opens it) 'Blue: '''Ah! Mr. Dingleberry! '''Mr. Dingleberry: '''You haven't payed rent in 8 months! '''Blue: '''Oh my god, you're right. Here, let me get my checkbook. ''(shuts door & walks away) '''Mr. Dingleberry: ''(off-screen) Okay. I'll just wait right here. ''(The 8-bit Gelato jumps off the cliff again) Gelato: 'Gelato! ''(dodges the enemy only to fall again) Oww! Again! (Blue opens the fridge) '''Blue: ''(sighs) Expired, expired, rotten, poison, ''(cuts back to Red in the living room. Blue walks in) Blue: 'Dude, you've been playing that 1st level for 3 hours, can you really not make that jump? '''Red: '''Psh! I can make it. Just HATE that little guy! ''(The Gelato on the game falls into fire) '''Gelato: '''MAMA MIAA!!! '''Blue: ''(takes controller) Move over. I got a degree in advanced joystick theory & I ain't afraid to use it. '''Red: '''Yeah, I heard you practicing last night. ''(cuts to Red listening to Blue in his room outside his door) Blue: ''(fapping sound) Uh, Olivia! Oh Munn! ''(cuts to Blue who looks like he's masturbating at his computer) ''You do it for me everytime! ''(pulls up knits) ''There! Done with this hand crocheted towel of Olivia Munn! Time to jack off. ''(cuts back to Red & Blue) Blue: 'Let me show you how this shit's done, son! ''(power goes out) '''Red: '''THE FUCK?! Who took the lights?! '''Blue: '''I mean we haven't payed the electricity bill in 7 months. '''Red: '''We ''pay ''for electricity? '''Blue: ''You'' don't! I '''do! '''Red: ''(gasps) Wait! ''(jumps off-screen) ''All of our food's gonna go bad! '''Blue: '''All of our food '''IS '''bad! ''(Red rushes to the fridge & eats the food) Red: '''Can't let. ''(eats turkey) ''Precious food. ''(eats rest of turkey) ''Go to waste! '''Blue: '''Dude you know that's all expired. '''Red: ''(coughs) I DON'T CARE! ''(laughs) Blue: '''Oh god, not the milk. '''Red: ''(drinks milk) I'll keep you safe in my belly cow juice! ''(spits out a little bit of milk) I think I'm gonna vom... Blue: ''(worries) Hey listen. I-I got a big problem. I totally just lied to Pink. '''Red: '''EEEGS! ''(eats eggs) Blue: '''Her birthday's next week & I told her I got her the greatest gift of all time, but I didn't get her anything! '''Red: ''(gowns down mayonnaise jar) Give her this mayonnaise jar. Aaaaaahh.... '''Blue: '''No. Come on, you know what girls like right? What should I get her? '''Red: '''Hey you should go see The Racc- ''(vomits) Blue: 'See who? '''Red: '''The Raccoo- ''(vomits) '''Blue: '''What are you trying to say!? '''Red: I can only say so many words before I- (vomits) (cuts to Red & Blue at Ancient Secrets 'N' Things) Red: '''The Raccoon! '''Blue: '''Ooooh... '''Red: He's got the coolest stuff. (Red & Blue walk in the store & shows many things on sale, including the statue of Kitty Amazing) Blue: '''Eesh. I don't know if I should get my girlfriend a gift in the pawn shop. '''Red: ''(gasps) You should get her this cool hat! ''(picks up a Bear Trap) Blue: 'Yeah, try it on. ''(Blue walks up to the Raccoon) 'Raccoon: '''So, you want a gift for your gir''r''friend, ehhh? '''Blue: '''Whoa. How'd you know? '''Raccoon: '''You talk-a very ''r''oud. ''(pain noises are heard) '''Red: ''(off-screen) Fits perfect! ' Raccoon: DID YOU TOUCH THAT FUCKING BEAR TRAP!? '''Red: ''(walks on-screen with a bear trap on his head while bleeding) No. Idiot. '''Blue: '''Um, So me and my girlfriend have been dating a long time & I wanna get her something super romantic. '''Raccoon: '(pulls out a map) ''I've got-a the perfect gift for you. But first, a story. ''(Red & Blue groan) Red: '''No! Old people stories! '''Raccoon: '''A ''r''ong time ago, in ancient Japan. ''(camera zooms in on map & shows a shadow in front of a villiage) ''My country was at war. My small vi''rr''age was all that was ''r''eft. ''(shows The Raccoon with another raccoon wearing a bow) ''Knowing I may die in battle. I gave my wife our symbol of undying ''r''ove, a ''R''otus F''r''ower. Armed with the weapon of my ancestors, The Great Sword of Destiny, ''r''eft to confront my fate. ''(shows a giant octopus behind Raccoon's villiage) ''But the mighty beast Ocho Muerte emerged from the sea and-a took my wife! ''(Ocho Muerte grabs Mama-san & eats her as she drops her Lotus Flower) ''I was too ''r''ate! In my rage, I fought the Takagami Demon Army ''(screen turns black as blood splatters across the screen) ''And s''r''ew ten hundred thousand hundred warriors! Honorab''r''y, ''(shows Raccoon fighting Lord Takagami) ''all that remained was-a ''R''ord Takagami himself. Though he shattered the b''r''ade & scattered it through the wind. As he ''r''ay dying, he said to me. '''Lord Takagami: '''Fuck you! '''Raccoon: ''(raises middle finger) He was a douchebag. '''Lord Takagami: '''You may have won the battle Raccoon, but the ghosts of my warriors will haunt The Great Sword of Destiny, FOREVER! '''Raccoon: '''And with-a that he died, but his curse remains, guarding the sword against any who seek to use it's great power again. But the power of the b''r''ade was-a too strong even-a for me. ''(Raccoon peeks to find Japan on fire) ''And in the fury of battre, I found I destroyed not only the Takagami Demon Army, but all of Japan! ''(shows another raccoon pointing to Raccoon) ''Dishonered, my kinsmen banished me from my home! ''(shows Raccoon on a row boat going into the sunset) ''Never again, to return. ''(cuts back to the shop and Raccoon is asleep, Red bangs on a gong to wake him back up) Raccoon: 'Oh! Sorry. I was-a bored my own story. '''Red: '''Wait, so where's the sword? '''Raccoon: '''There is on''r''y one ''r''eft a''r''ive who knows where it is. '''Red: '''Who? '''Blue: '''Hold up. Why the hell would I get Pink a sword? This is retarded! '''Raccoon: '''NO! Bring me the sword and in return, I shall give you the greatest gift a girl-- NO! A woman-- NO! A goddess could ever hope to recieve. '''Red: '''Is it, my dick? '''Raccoon: '''Yes. '''Red: '''Really? '''Raccoon: '''No. ''(laughs) ''You very gu''rr''ible. '''Blue: '''Well, who even knows where it still is? '''Raccoon: '''You must-a find the man who considers me his greatest enemy. ''(zooms on Raccoon) ''My son, Son-san! ''(Blue picks up the map & looks at the Ninja Sushi resteraunt in Japan. He places the map down) 'Blue: '''Nope, you're weird. I'm just gonna go buy her some flowers. ''(walks off-screen) '''Red: ''(grabs the map & looks at it) Shit, I'll find that sword! This sounds awesome! '''Blue: '''What? Really? '''Red: '''Yeah, man! It's a ten-thousand year-old sword, hidden in Japan, guarded by demon ninjas?! That's the most awesome thing I've ever heard of! '''Blue: '''Dude, you're gonna get yourself killed going after that thing. '''Red: '''Maybe...but at least I'm not a goddamn pussy! '''Blue: '''I'm not a pussy! '''Raccoon: '''You ARE a pussy, with a capito''r ''vagina! I told you about the b''r''ade cause I thought you would have the courage to do something...extraordinary! '''Red: '''Yeah right, all he does all day is sit in his room playing with his joystick. He'd TOTALLY get killed. ''(Blue looks down looking insulted) Red: '''Have fun stayin' home man! I'll send you a postcard! '''Raccoon: ''(sighs) This was-a mistake. On''r''y a true hero could find The Great Sword of Destiny. But I can see now. it is not you. ''(Blue continues thinking about Pink's birthday when he snaps) Blue: 'Your wrong! '''Raccoon: '''Ohh? '''Blue: '''Yeah! I'm gonna find the shit out of that sword! '''Raccoon: '''It's going to be very dangerous. '''Blue: '''Good! Pussies hate danger! And I'm NOT a pussy! ''(walks off-screen as Raccoon nods at him. Blue takes the map from Red) ''Give me that! '''Red: '''Oh-ho yeah! Time to get our quest on! Whoo! 'Chapter 3 (cuts to the docks as Red & Blue hide behind boxes) '' '''Blue: '''Okay, maybe I was wrong. This is pretty scary. '''Red: '''Seriously!? You wanna get Pink a sick present or not? '''Blue: '''Okay, okay, okay, okay. Let's go. '''Red: '''Aw yeah. Follow my lead! ''(they run off & hide behind more boxes where guards stand) ''Oh crap! There's guards! '''Blue: '''What do we do? '''Red: '''Cartwheel. '''Blue: '''Cartwheel? ''(Red performs a cartwheel but falls & quickly hides behind the crates) Guard 1: ''(shines light at boxes immediately) Holy shit! Did you see that? '''Guard 2: '''Uh, no. '''Guard 1: '''Me neither. '''Blue: '''Phew. '''Guard 1: '(recognizes Blue) ''Hey you! Hiding behind those crates! '''Red: '''Cartwheel dude! ''(Blue performs a cartwheel & runs away with Red) Guard 1: '''Ah, huh? Where'd he go? '''Guard 2: ''(dismayed) Damn, cartwheels every time! (Guard 1 throws down his hat on the ground' & Guard 2 breaks his flashlight in half in anger) (We see Red & Blue hiding on top of a rectangular crate filled with garbage) 'Red: '''Whew! See? How would you have any fun without me? '''Blue: '''Reading is fun. '''Red: '''Your mom's fun! ''(Laughs) '' ''(Blue looks at Red with an annoyed look) 'Red: '''Now let's find ourselves a boat! ''(Red grabs a can and uses it as a telescope. He spots a boat filled with weapons) '''Red: ''(gasps) How 'bout this 1? ''(A seal with big eyes appears near the boat as it loads a very large and powerful gun & shoots the seal) Red: ''(quietly, with a cute face) It's perfect. '''Blue: '''Dude, let's just get on that 1! ''(shows another boat known as Booze Cruise with people dancing on it) Red: 'No way, have you seen how awesome this thing is?! The guns have guns! ''(showing the other boat, more guns load) '''Blue: '''This one's got boobs & beer! ''(Red runs off-screen) ''Red? '''Red: ''(off-screen) BOOBS & BEEERRR! '''Blue: '''I'm gonna regret this. ''(Red & Blue approach the boat but are stopped by Broseph) Broseph: 'Halt bra! This booze cruise is for college house dudes, and dudettes, ONLY! Hmm?? ''(recognises Red) ''Whoa! Holy Shit! Your that Freshman 15 dude, dude! Didn't you, like, nail 15 freshman chicks in like 1 night? ''(suddenly cuts to the Freshman 15 episode being watched on YouTube) '''Girl: (runs off-screen) Naked party! Red: (runs off after the girl) Here we go! Whoo! 1st! (A count down begins as Red starts to have sex with the girl. It goes to '''1', then more girls appear as the counter goes to 4'. While Red is doing the 4 freshmen girls, we see their Bra's flying on Blue's head) '''Red: Oh shit! That's like 4! Blue: (starts to walk off) Fuck my life! (cuts back to Red, Blue & Broseph) Red: 'Oh yeah, that was back in my college years. Can't believe it was only 15. '''Broseph: '''Yes bro, yes! That's what I'm talkin' about! Dude, welcome aboard bro dude bro. Keg's on the poop deck, babes on the port side, watch out for Neptune. ''(shows Trollz0r dancing near Neptune. He stabs Trollz0r as he makes a crazed angry rage face) 'Trollz0r: '''Aah!! Party Foul!! ''(falls) '''Red: '''Whoo! ''(runs on to the boat) ''Titties, here I come! '''Blue: '''Oh wow, that was way easy! '''Broseph: '''Halt, brah! This party train's sailing for Port Cool, so consider yourself the 3rd wheel. '''Blue: '''Wait, but I thought we were cool? '''Broseph: ''(hands Blue his drink & list) You thought thinkin' was cool? Dude? ''(The small bridge suddenly lifts Broseph up & onto the boat while Blue angrily drops the list & the drink) Blue: 'What the hell!? '''Red: '''Sorry dude! Should of banged more Freshman chicks! '''Blue: '''How the fuck am I going to get to Japan!? '''Red: '''Take your car, stupid! ''(Blue looks back at 2 dock workers) '''Dock Worker 1: '''Hey! We only have room for 1 more pallet! Should we load the beer or the life vests? '''Dock Worker 2: Load the BEER! No regrets! Dock Worker 1: No regrets! (The dock workers load the beer onto the ship while Blue quickly grabs on the box & takes him into the ship) Neptune: 'Let's get this party started! Captain DJ, make that anchor, drop! ''(The ship's captain presses a button, causing an anchor to fall in the water & the boat sails across the sea with the Bath Rhymes instrumental in the background. It then shows the map with the boat moving) 'Narrator: '''And so Red & Blue took a Booze Cruise across the ocean blue. But they were attacked by pirates! And they were all beheaded! ''(A pirate boat suddenly attacks the ship & the boat sinks. It quickly comes back up) ''Just kidding. They all got sea scurvy & died out of their butts! ''(The boat sinks again in a puff of fart clouds but comes back up getting closer to Japan) ''No, no these are all lies. Unfortunately, they made it to Japan, but pirates sounded pretty cool right? All right, here's Japan. '' (The boat arrives at Japan where a giant robot can be seen walking across the city.) 'Red: '''Whooo! Alright! ''(The boat's walkway comes down & Red & Blue look at the city. 2 anime women greet them.) '''Women: Ah, Konichiwa! (Bow their heads.) Red: Ha. Dude. This place is so racist. Bong pai fong, ''bitches. ''(The women giggle.) Red: You ladies wanna sumo wrestle? (Walks down the walkway.) Blue: I'm gonna die here. Guy on boat: See ya, dudes! No regrets! Red: ''(waving at guy) No regrets, dudes! ''(Puts his arms around the women & walks with them. Blue follows. The people on the boat cheer.) (Cut to Red & Blue walk around the city, looking around in awe.) (Time lapse. Red & Blue watch a man cut watermelons. A "watermellon" comes to life & jumps on Red.) (Time lapse. A man takes a picture of his suitcase. A group of women take a selfie. Red & Blue walk by while Red sneaks a picture of 1 of the women's behind.) (Time lapse. Red & Blue stand in front of a train. A group of people & familiar characters rush in, taking the pair with them. Red & Blue end up on the other side of the train. Another group rushes them in again. Red & Blue are crammed inside the train with other people.) (Time lapse. Red & Blue walk around the city again.) (Time lapse. Red & Blue walk past a group of TVs showing an anime show.) Anime Red: I am so angru! Anime Blue: I'm in danger of failing out of major video game academ-y. (Sweat drop) Anime Pink: What happened to Blue-san, I'm in love with him, ohhh? Anime Blue: Ohh? Anime Lord Tourettes: Fuck you. (In the TV store, a green man & a purple woman look at a tiny television.) TV: ''(sings Auto-Tuned) Why do the koi fish ''(grows legs) ''cr- cr- cry? ''(dances with a Japanese flag) ''Why do the koi fish, die, die, die? '''Blue: '''Eh, this place is too cartoony for me. '''Red: '(dances with Japanese flag) ''Why do the koi fish, cry, cry, cry? Der-der-der-der-der-der-herp-derp-dead! ''(Red & Blue continue walking through the stores. Blue approaches 1) Blue: 'Oh sick! Ramen! ''(picks up a bowl of food) '''Red: ''(walks near Blue with some food)'' This is some crunchy-ass rice. Blue: 'Red, that's a bowl of tiny cell phones. ''(The phones in Red's mouth begin ringing) 'Red: '''I've had a lot of painful poops, but this is gonna be a bad 1. '''Blue: '''Yeah, good luck with that. ''(While Red continues eating, a purple woman approaches them) '''Purple Woman: '''Oh, you need a directions-u? '''Blue: '''Oh yeah wow that'd be great, thanks! ''(bows to her) ''Domo arrigato. '''Purple Woman: ''(blushes while speaking Japanese)'' Blue: '''Um, we're trying to get to this resturaunt. ''(points to the map) ''Do you know it? '''Purple Woman: ''(giggles while making an Anime face) '' Blue: '''Are you okay? '''Purple Woman: ''(makes a cat face & now has a cat tail)'' Red: '''What is wrong with her face? '''Purple Woman: ''(makes a sparkling anime face then after Red & Blue look at each other in confusion, makes a man face)'' Blue: 'Mm-hmm, yeah, uh-huh. You are extremley un-helpful. '''Purple Woman: '''Yata! Now must-a go to school today, N-okay? Sayonara! ''(She jumps in a giant robot head as it morphs into a giant robot. Red & Blue stare up at it with puppy eyes as the robot approaches a giant monster) 'Blue: '''Oh, my God, all those animes were documentaries. 'Chapter 4 (the camera shows Japan with the Giant Robot still fighting a monster. A monorail zooms by & soon cuts to Blue & Red) Red: 'Aah! That sushi resturaunt better be close. I'm hungry for some more cell phones! ''(phones ring in Red's body) 'Blue: '''Dude, I think we're here. ''(shows Raccoon's villiage as wind blows by, they approach a chinese resturaunt with reads 'Ninja Sushi Open All Night Baby, We're Nocturnal) 'Red: '''How we gonna know what the Raccoon's kid even looks like? ''(A Raccoon, passes them) 'Raccoon Waiter: '''P''r''ease, have a seat. '''Red: '''Huh. Guess he's not here. ''(while the waiter hands food to Shi Ba & his Ninjas, Red & Blue take a seat in front of the Raccoon waiter's counter) 'Raccoon Waiter: '''Can I help you? '''Blue: '''Konichiwa. We've travelled a long way to find this villiage. Do you know The Raccoon? ''(suddenly everyone in the resturaunt stare at Red & Blue) 'Raccoon Waiter: '''The Raccoon!? I hate-a that guy. His-a voice sounds-a so stupid. Right guys? ''(shows a Raccoon & a young Raccoon at another table) ''' Raccoon #1: ''(laughs, ironically with the other Raccoon's exact same voice)'' Tota''rr''y! (to young Raccoon.) ''Eat your noodles. '''Young Raccoon: '(has the same voice as well)' '''I don't-a want to eat my noodles! '''Son-san: '''I am Son-san, son of Papa-san. The 1 you call 'The Raccoon.' '''Red: '''WhaaaAAAATT!? '''Son-san: '''This is my wife, Wife-san. And my son, Grandson-san. ''(both wave at Red & Blue) Red: 'Huh. Raccoon looks nothing like his family. '''Son-san: '''A fami''r''y he ABANDONED when he dishonored the mighty Japan with the Great-a Sword of Destiny! It was too powerful for him, ''(close-up on his face) & YOU WILL NEVER FIND IT! (pulls a sword out & points to Red & Blue) 'Red: '''Oh this is some bullshit! I want some goddamn SUSHI! ''(Red grabs a knife & slashes Son-san's sword) 'Son-san: '''I will cut the sushi, after I cut-a YOU! ''(Red and Son-san continue fighting until Son-san throws Wasabi in Red's face) '''Red: ''(screams) Wasabi! ''(throws spicy seaweed at Son-san) Son-san: 'Aah! A spicy seaweed! ''(throws Miso at Red) 'Red: '''Aah Miso! ''(throws Hot Tea at Son-san) 'Son-san: '''Oohh! Hot-a Tea-o! ''(Red & Son-san both begin crying while Blue looks away with an annoyed look) 'Son-san: '''Fuck you! Okay, I will make you Sushi! ''(continues crying) (Son-san hands Red & Blue sushi) 'Blue: '''Oh thank godzilla. ''(Red begins eating the sushi) 'Red: '''I think I liked the cell phones better. '''Blue: '''So the Raccoon, uh, Papa-san, said that you know where to find the Sword? '''Son-san: '''I swore an oath, that I would never revea''r the r''ocation of the weapon so it may never fall into his hands again. '''Blue: '''Oh no it's not for the Raccoon, It's for me. '''Son-san: '''Oh! Well that's fine! It's-a just up at that mountain. ''(Red & Blue look out the window to find a giant mountain, both stare at it) 'Red & Blue: '''Nope. ''(cuts to Blue reading a novel while riding in a wheelchair being pulled by a light green man. It then cuts to Red riding on a Olive green man) 'Red: '''Whoo! '''Olive Green: '''Red-san! Your so fat! '''Red: '''I had a whole bowl of cell phones for lunch! '''Olive Green: '''Aah, that exp''r''ains it. ''(They are taken up the mountain & stop at a large temple) ' Blue: '''Oh sick! '''Red: '''Oh, damn! I bet they got hell of swords in there! ''(Red & Blue run inside the temple while the Olive Green & Light Green men follow them) 'Olive Green: '''Hey, hey, wait, you no pay! ''(suddenly the light green man is crushed by the door, Olive Green shivers & screams) 'Olive Green: '''Mr. Makasan! You stop. Very dangerous. You go no further! '''Blue: '''Sorry, man, we're kind of getting our quest on? '''Red: '''Yeah, don't worry about it, pussy. ''(begins singing) ''Gettin' my quest on, singing the quest song. ''(Red steps on a trap, releasing an axe & slicing the Olive Green man's head off. Blue watches with fear while Red continues walking & singing not noticing what happened) 'Blue: '''Red? Dude! Wait! ''(runs after him) '''Red: ''(sings) All the girls I like, ''(high voice) ''Who's that brave ass dude? ''(normal voice) ''It's motherfucking Red in the Temple of Doom. ''(Red continues setting off traps. Blue dodges spears pointing to him & also dodges a sword pointing out from the ground, an axe sliding by but gets stabbed by 2 arrows) (while Red continues singing, he steps on another trap, releasing a boulder & chasing Blue. He then hits a mask which causes fire to burst from it's mouth & burn Blue. Red then floats above spikes but when Blue grabs the rope, arrows shoot at him & fire burns him again. Red enters completely fine while Blue follows with 2 arrows & a dart in him) Red: 'Oww, a splinter? This place might be dangerous after all. '''Blue: '''Whoa. ''(points) ''There it is. '''Red: '''Man, that little panda was right. ''(Blue & Red slowly approach the sword. Red then farts & smells it) '''Red: (blows smell away) ''Oh my god! That's a bad 1. Evasive Maneuvers! ''(floats up) (Blue continues to approach the sword while Red looks down at him. Blue pulls the sword out but finds no blade on the sword) Blue: '''Huh? ''(investigates) ''It's- JUST THE HILT OF THE SWORD! '''Red: '''The what of the sword!? '''Blue: '''IT'S JUST THE HANDLE! '''Red: '''That sucks. '''Blue: '''YOU THINK!? We came all this way for the goddamn HANDLE!? '''Red: ''(looks at a giant map below Blue) Man this is a cool drawing! It's got like all 3 condiments! '''Blue:'' You mean continents? '''Red: '''Yeah. Uh there's squiggle, there's super squiggle & America! '''Blue: '''Which 1 are we on now? '''Red: ''(points) We're on squiggle! '''Blue: '''So, there's 2 pieces left? '''Red: '(lands down) ''I guess so I don't fucking know. (''The ground shakes & Lord Takagami appears with a flash of lightning, along with demon ninjas who jump out of the shadows) Red: Oh hey guys, 'sup? ' Lord Takagami:' We are the the Takagami demon army, our blades burn like fire, and our fire stings like ice, and our ice is really fucking cold. We are cursed to protect the great sword of destiny from anyone who seeks to use it's mighty power. Blue: '''We don't want to use it, like, I just wanted a birthday present for my girlfriend. '''Lord Takagami: Then we shall kill her, too 'cause she will have the sword! Blue: Err, wait, dude can't we talk about this? Lord Takagami: The only thing we're going to talk about, is how dead you're about to be! (pulls out sword & slashes at the stone between Red & Blue). Red: Fuck this! (Red leaps out of the way & smashes a hole in the wall.) Red: This party sucks! Blue: Run for it! Lord Takagami: 'Seize their souls! From our point of view they are the villains, not us. It is totally rational from our side of the story. (''Demon ninjas chase Red & Blue through a forest) '''Red: Dude! That's just cray! Blue: '''Stop running your mouth & start running your legs! '''Red: Why? Are the cops coming? Blue: Yes. (Red runs off screaming before falling off a cliff. Blue falls down the cliff & they both roll down it.) Blue: This is all your fault! I don't know why I ever let you talk me into this! Red: '(''Walking on his hands) Dude, shut up the cops are coming! '''Blue: They're not cops, they're demons! Red: Oh, really? Blue: 'Why do demons scare you less than cops?! '''Red: '''Demons don't have guns! ''(Red & Blue both fall face first onto a dock) '''Chapter 5 (Red & Blue fall off a cliff onto the the top of a boat. The demon ninja army are running down the cliff. Red & Blue start jumping between the boats with the demon ninja army right behind them.) Blue: I should've never gone on this stupid quest! I would've been better getting her that bear trap! Red: Oh, you mean that sweet hat? (Red tries to push away a ladder the ninjas are climbing, but they push it back. Blue pulls up a net, trapping 4 demon ninjas. Blue drops the sword hilt. Red smashes a demon ninja into the floor before picking up the hilt & throwing it to Blue. They start rowing in a boat. A demon ninja tries to jump into the boat, but misses, before being electrocuted. Red fires a harpoon through 3 of the demon ninjas.) Blue: Red, come on! (A demon ninjas throws a shuriken at the other end of a rope Red & Blue have their feet stuck in, pulling them to the mast of a ship. A demon ninja cuts through the beam holding up the mast causing it to fall onto a boat carrying dynamite.) TNT Worker: 'Be very careful with that dynamite. It's going to the exp''r''osion factory. (The mast hits the dynamite) '''TNT Worker: '''Wasabi! ''(the TNT begin to explode in slow motion, knocking the Demon Ninjas back. Red & Blue scream in slow motion & land in a row boat, which begins sailing out to sea.) '''Blue: '''Holy crap, we made it. And we're floating away! '''Red: '''What you talking about? '''Blue: '''I mean, the tides are carrying us out to sea! '''Red: Aw yeah, Bermuda Triangle, here we come! Blue: Well, what are we going to do?! Red: I don't know, but hey, at least we got sushi. (chunks on the piece of fish in his hand, while Blue yells out in anger) Red: See ya, Japan! You stink crazy! (Lord Takagami watches them from a distance, and turns away. Cuts to a scene where Red & Blue are lost out in sea.) Red: Row boat triiiip! Woo! Blue: Will you shut up?! I don't know if you've noticed or not, but we're in some deep shit! Red: Uh, I think it's called a rowboat? Blue: That isn't funny! We're stuck in the middle of the ocean with only the hilt of this stupid sword & now we're going to die out here & I'm going to miss Pink's birthday! Red: I don't know why you're doing all this crazy stuff for her anyway. Who cares, she's just a girl! Blue: Well, I love her, okay? That's why. Red: Whaat dooes thhat meeean? Blue: Wait, you really don't know what love means? (Red stares at Blue in silence) Of course you don't. It's this feeling you get when you see someone. Deep down inside of you, your heart starts pumping & you just start feeling happy all over. It's the strongest most wonderful feeling you can have for someone! Red: So you mean a boner? Blue: NO! Red: Dude, I'm in love all day. Blue: You are such an idiot! Red: I wouldn't do all this for a boner. I'd just go online & look up pictures of your mom. Blue: Shut up! I'm doing this because I think she's in love with me, too. Red: No way, man, she likes me! Blue: What!? Red: Yeah dude, she's always giving me those dirty looks. Mmm. Blue: Cause' she hates you! Red, not every girl in the world thinks you're cool hot shit. Red: Yeah they do, why do you think I beat up all those bullies back in kindergarten? Blue: To save my life? Red: (laughing) What? No! Dude, I was trying to impress all those chicks. Blue: WHAT!? Red: Yeah, worked pretty good too. Blue: You've beaten me up, embarrassed me, screwed my ex-girlfriends, crapped in my bed, stolen my shit, eaten my food & took my money for years! I stayed friends with you this whole time because for some reason (begins to get frustrated) I actually thought you were my friend, too! Red: Well you must feel pret-ty stupid. Blue: (shakes in anger) ''FUCK. YOU!! (''They begin fighting) Blue: You're such an asshole! I can't believe you let me think we were actually friends! (punches Red) Red: Well maybe I'd be friends with you if weren't such a goddamn, (punches Blue) loser all the time! Blue: I'm a loser?! I caught you masturbating to Animal Planet! (kicks Red.) '' '''Red:' That was 1 time! You're just racist against ELEPHANTS!! Blue: (punches Red) ''I can't believe I stuck by your side for 20 god damn years! I'm not your friend anymore! '''Red:' Good! I'm not yours! Blue: Great! Red: Awesome! Blue: Good! Red: I'm glad! (Lightning strikes the boat, splitting it in half. They are both knocked into the sea. They turn around to see a giant wave crashing into them. Blue's phone is seen sinking with Pink calling. It dies & sinks into the deep, dark sea.) 'Chapter 6' (the screen appears again as a dream sequence showing Red as kid in the events of First Day of Cool, he looks up) Red: '''Hey baby, this one's for you. (winks at the girls as they fall for Red) ''Stacy: Oh my god, (blushes) who is that?'' '' (As Red charges through the bullies, he winks at the girls. Cuts to Red punching a bully then blowing a kiss to the other direction. As Red breaks the bridge he shows off to the girls & says "Yeeeeaaaaahhh". Red & Blue High-Five then Red turns back to Stacy & Pink)'' ''Red: Soooo, what are you doing after recess?'' (Stacy & Pink blush when the dream ends to show Blue waking up. He pants then looks over at Red lying on the ground) '''Blue: '''Holy shit. Red? Red are you dead!? '''Red: ''(turns over to Blue with sunglasses on) Nah man just chillin' my back! '''Blue: '(gets up) ''God damn it! Where are we? '''Red:' We're in paradise, mon! (trills) Blue: '''No we're not! We're on a deserted island! '''Red: '''We should really sail to Dinner Island first. '''Blue: '''No, deserted isla- oh my god! '''Red: ''(gasps) Is there Burrito island? That sounds waayy better! '''Blue: '''Oh my god. ''(sits down) ''Oh my god I'm actually gonna die. ''(freaks out) ''I'm gonna die next to an asshole and I'll never see Pink's boobs again! '''Red: '''Yeah, and I'm even real worried this place doesn't have internet. '''Blue: '''Oh shit. ''(gets up and reaches in his pockets) ''Maybe... Oh no where's my phone? Wait! Dude! Didn't you eat a bowl of tiny cell phones for lunch? '''Red: '''Oh yeah! ''(tries to push the phone out his ass) ''Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Come on! ''(tries pushing again) ''Nope. '''Blue: '''Dude! '''Red: '''It's not comin' out. ''(punches his chest, he punches again and coughs) Blue: 'Here, let me try! ''(punches Red's chest) 'Red: '''Ow! Not so hard asshole! '''Blue: '''How about this!? ''(punches Red's chest again) 'Red: '''Aah-ha-ha, stop it! Let me just try to dial it, with my butt muscles. ''(Red peforms small dance moves to dial the phone in his butt) 'Blue: '''Yup, this is my nightmare. ''(the phone in Red's ass starts to ring) '''Blue: ''(gasps) It's ringing! ''(bends near Red's ass) ''I can't believe I'm doing this! If you fart I'll kill you. '''Red: '''Careful! If I fart I'll kill you. ''(the phone picks up) Girl: ''(on the line) Hello, you've reached Global Rescue Services, ready to rescue you wherever you are, especially if your stuck on a deserted island. '''Blue: '''Hello? Can you hear me? '''Red: '(tries to kick Blue away) Well hello yourself baby, you can rescue me anytime. What are you wearin'. what are you doin'? Girl: ''(on the line)'' Oh you know, just bored at work. I get off at 7 if you want to meet up at Burrito Island and- (Red farts in Blue's face as the phone breaks.) Blue: ''(coughs) Oh my god! ''(gags) Red: 'Oh, I think I broke the phone. ''(Blue shakes in anger and yells in frustration) 'Blue: '''SCREW YOU! ''(kicks Red into the sand) ''That is IT! ''(angrily walks away) '''Red: ''(gets up) Where you goin'? '''Blue: '''Home! You can finish this god damn quest on your own! ''(walks away from Red) Red: ''(shouts to Blue)'' I KNEW you were a pussy! (Blue ignores Red and continues to walk away) Blue: ''(walking into a jungle and hitting the branch of a tree) This was this STUPIDEST idea! '''Red: '''Stupid lame-ass Blue. ''(Puts on sunglasses) ''The sword is gonna be ♪tiiiiigghhhht!♪ '''Red: '(Singing) ''Gettin' mah' beach on. Singin' the beach song. Hopin' that a crab doesn't nibble my balls. ''(Red falls asleep. After a few seconds, Red suddenly catches on fire. Red wakes up screaming, and runs into the jungle, causing it to catch on fire) (Meanwhile, Blue walks over the island and realises that island is a paradise) Blue: 'Wow! This place is a paradise. The sun is so warm. ''(touches the water)T''he water is so clear. The sand ''(steps over the sand several time) it's like diamonds beneath my feet. The air smells so sweet like--SMOKE!!? ''(Sees the jungle fire) ''Red?!! ''(Gets back to coast and sees Red's on fire, screaming, trying to get to water, then a wave splashes him and causes Red to fall) ''Red, what did you do! '''Red: What?! (Sees the whole island caught on fire) ''Oh that. '''Blue:' You ruin everything! Red: '''It's not that bad. '''Blue: ''(madly) WE'RE gonna be burned alive! Huh?(A sound appears slowly) What is that? '''Red: '''King Kong! '''Blue: '''IS... Is this a plane? '''Red: '''Bees! ''(A plane appears fastly) Blue: ''(scared) Holy shit, it is a plane! '''Red: '''AAAHH! Sky demon! '''Cpt. Crookygrin : '(laughs) ''Cheerio old chaps, grab a hold! ''(A ladder appears from the bottom of the plane. Red and Blue grabs the ladder, shouts and gets into the plane while flying over the burning island. Meanwhile, in the plane; the duo is panting there) Cpt. Crookygrin: 'Perfectly executed signalfire old chaps, spotted it a fort night away. Still damn shame you burned Burrito Island. '''Red: '''That was Burrito Island? ''(screams, sadly) ''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ''(Blue looks annoyed) '''Cpt. Crookygrin: '''Maybe it was Boobie Island. '''Red: ''(screams even sadlier, almost cries) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! '''Blue: '''Who are you? '''Cpt. Crookygrin: '''You're flying with Captain Major Lieutenant Crookygrin, private first class. Retired. ''(A picture of Crookygrin appears, his right hand on his head, standing at a soldier pose over a crashed plane) Blue: 'You're a pilot? '''Cpt. Crookygrin: '''And an alcoholic, 1.000 flights, 1.000 crashes. Perfect record. ''(The plane loses control, Crookygrin tries to gain control of the plane) '''Cpt. Crookygrin: '''Whoop, wa wa whoop, trying to flip us over you old bitch. Did I mention I'm blind? Alcohol blindness. '''Red: ''(crawls slowly) You and me both, brotha ''(about to make a high-five, but swings his arm to ground) Uh, woo! (laughs) Blue: 'What are you doing flyin' all the way out here? '''Cpt. Crookygrin: '''On my way to Gay Paris, I'm meeting an old friend from the war, Colonel Dingleberry. '''Blue: '''Mr. Dingleberry? ''(Red surprises, opens his mouth widely) (Another frame from the war, Mr. Dingleberry and Crookygrin together, in a hole, hold pistols while a tank '' missile approaches them)'' '''Cpt. Crookygrin: '''Haven't seen him since D-Day, or Dingle Day as he liked to call it. Ha ho! We're on a top secret mission to stop two blokes from finding the Great Sword of Destiny. '''Blue: ''(shocked) ''Uh, what two blokes? Category:Movie preview